So All I Wanted In The End Was World Domination And A Whole Lot Of Money To Spend

So in every heart there’s a broken dream, a shattered cause, a might have been

I wish my recent thoughts were as positive as Tien’s… but I haven’t been feeling all that well lately.

Laying on my bed last night, I thought of the past and how I do not want it to repeat itself. I think over and over of what those certain people in my life have said, and how it’s very similar. They have all planned ahead, they have all believed to be the one… and yet, it has ended so badly.

In an attempt to make myself feel better, I thought “I dont need anyone, after all, my plans are designed only for me and not for two” so with this thought I went to sleep, thinking that if this time, I fail yet again, I would be okay. I would be fine. Simply because I would be alone and away from anyone’s feelings.

Well that’s crap haha. Today I realized the only reason I was having some sort of feminist epiphany was not for the right reasons. It was simply because Im truly scared of getting hurt again. Im self-sabotaging another opportunity of happiness in an effort to keep myself safe from pain. Im trying so hard not to become attached and to see something wrong with today that I might just ruin tomorrow.

Of course, I could take the safe road…to be alone as I planned and keep pushing away anyone who tries to get too near …because damn, after 2 years of mourning I try again, and it ends up just as terribly…But no.

I cant do that. I wont let myself do that. Im braver than that…

I’ve always valued life’s uncertainties and seen its surprises as beautiful.

I’ll take my chances.

..::Lain::..

 

 

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