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Concerning Humans.

Always being hungry to reduce others just to feel tremendous for that moment,
Not caring that those others need a huge amount of time to feel good, good not great about them selves again.
Having prejudgements and putting people in small boxes, something I can understand.. with which other things do they have to reveal with then?.
Yet I have made the decision quite alot of years ago; not wanting to be like that.
There just has to be more to life than admiring Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who both just chased down temporary dreams..
Because there’s gotta be more than even that.
Also than chasing them down to capture every moment of their life and feeling satisfied for the picture you have of her picking her nose.
It’s not about Angelina, Brad or whoever it’s about you..
As we go through life we’ll see that there is so much that we don’t understand.
Things that can contain life questions, lovelife issues and depressive moments..
Yet the things we do know is that things don’t always go the way we planned.
People often think that they do not deserve the good or the bad things in life.
There are so much expectations, so much we must be that we forget how to be.. we.
Forgetting trusting your own heart instead of trying to be a part of some big plan others expect you to join.
Everybody wants to be liked, to be found nice and pretty, to be around people that have something in common with them…
So the question is not to be or not to be but why trying so hard to bring others down..
Your neighbour, that kid with those glasses, the girl with a size plus or the next hollywood celebrity.
Does it really matter?

Athletic Shoes Online Shop

I’ve had this on my mind for a pretty long time and I finally managed to write it all down.
Something I will share with you.
Just think about it, You can be happy without that all.



Someone Shot Nostalgia In The Back…


It’s August.

August is damnation in my calendar. Now it all makes sense…

It’s 3 years with this one that August turns into the worst month of the year…

The longest days I’ve ever known.

The first year this particular month became Hell, was caused by my engagement to the guy I had been with for years being broken. Everything I had thought to be so secure and certain, was gone.

Then the next year, I had bounced off from that and had everything going my way regarding training to achieve my goals. Then, 20 days in August, I lost everything once again. Had an accident that threatened not only to end my dreams and everything I had been fighting for, but also a part of my body.

And so not to break the tradition, I’ve been a mess this month. Probably weeks before August started, but eh, same thing.

I am a 10 year old’s messy room. I dont know what to do with anything except for circus.

Thankfully, I still have that area of clarity in my life that I can hold on to.

But the rest is as blurry as ever. I dont know about the choices I’ve made, or if I should even make any more.

Maybe I should take a trip like Tien. Actually, getting in the school in Canada might be good for my mind too.

Getting away and all that.

Im going to find a way to make this better though. Im not like I used to be years ago. I actually find solutions to my problems and not only dwell on them :p


Road/Backpack Europtrip’08.

First of all before I start my real story I want to mention that I only am writing this blog for Lain and a little bit for myself as a memory. Lain asked me to take alot of pictures.. I have took alot of pictures of the views we had.. the pictures where I am on are mostly weird and crappy.. The ones I like.. are pictures taken of my back, I looked horrible and exhausted and honestly I mostly even didn’t tried to look well enough for pictures. The pictures I am posting here are the ones I think that they are okay, that they can go through.. the ones I am not posting are just odd pictures of me doing things.. And also I am not posting pictures of the two guys that went with me because that’s pretty personal for them. I will try not to post a long blog.

EuroTrip 2008.

The past month I have spent in 20 awesome countries in Europe, we didn’t stayed in them all because there was just not enough time to explore them all and meet people in every country. Our plans have changed alot, the first pland was flying out to vencia in Italy and just walking around with a hudge backpack there..At the last moment we cancelled our flight and decided to go by car.. it would cost a little bit more money but then we knew for sure that we would get back at the right time. Some countries I liked better than others and in some it was just impossible to make clear to the people there what you wanted.. for the simple reason of that they don’t speak english.. or just a little bit.. In those ones.. we had to talk with our hand and feet and legs and arms and just really weird things.. I am a girl who was confused about the most of the things in life and I tried to find myself in every possible way.. I used to live life with Peter Pan and The Easter Bunny in my head and trying to know alot of knowledge and wisdom about the things I probably would never need in life.. And Kind of I am still like that.. but my view on life and people and alot of different things has changed alot and I am not that confused anymore about certain questions. Although this trip was very exhausting.. and we didn’t slept much, we basically followed the rainclouds and each time it was really hard to find a place to stay because we didn’t went to big cities.. that was a choice we made.. there’s always time to visit the big cities but you never get to see how people REALLY live and how life goes in little places..
So anyway, if we were lucky we slept in huts and if we were really lucky we could sleep in houses.. there were no hotels and if by chance we did found one.. we still didn’t want to spend the night there.. then we just took the risk of sleeping outside or in the car if we didn’t left it somewhere to go on walking. As to me I speak Dutch, English, German, Croatian, Some Japanese, Some Spanish and Some French, Chris speaks them all very well just leaving out Croatian and Japanese and Benjamin his English and German is great.. So basically we managed it. Food.. that depended on if we could find any stores.. and when we found them.. we could spent just each €5,- on food since we were by car we had to buy gass aswell.. lucky it was a diesel car so we spent like €150,- on 1600KM.. Also we had to buy vignettes in some countries because only with a vignette you can go through that country and some of those were also pretty expensive. So.. that’s it.. kind of.. a blog without personal details. I’ll tell you about it more Lian.. I just feel like.. I have wrote already way too much =P.
And if I could do it again I would definaitly go because this time I had my doubts but I did go and I was with the people that matter and the people I love alot.

Some pictures I like & think they’re well enough to post:

Hut where we stayed because it rained alot.. it’s the back of it actually I didn’t like the front that much.

My back again =P.. sorry.

Those stairs were pretty unstable.

Really cute house where we spent two nights.


You are special!

Look at you.
Look at how beautiful and special YOU are.
With your eyes you are able to see the beauty on this planet we call home, we call earth.
The trees, the flowers, the stars and the moon.. it does not matter whether your eyes are dark or light, they are beautiful.
With your ears you are able to hear, to listen to all these amazing noises.
The beat of your heart, the reach or your arms, the blood in your entire body is one amazing wonder.
Look at your hands, the five fingers you have on one, five because you don’t need more each one serves you well and there’s no need for a sixt finger.
There is something as perfection, You are.
The way your body recovers, the way your hair grows, the way you once were tiny and grew to that what you are now is amazing.
It doesn’t matter if you’re small, big, tall, tiny, bald, hairy, white or black you are beautiful infor who you are.
The way you are never alone, you always have your mind, your thoughts which can make you paint with the wind, fly with the birds and dream the most impossible dreams.
Look at you.
This amazing beautiful wonder that you are, you are beautiful now and you always will be.

I’ve been thinking alot lately, well that’s not really something new.. I’m a thinker.
I think that it’s really amazing that there are so much people on this world who all day in and day out do their thing.
So much people I never have seen their faces, never heard the sound of their voice but they do exist.
Walking on the streets and seeing all those different amazing people they all look so familiar..
like you know them, all of them and yet never ever have seen them before.
The earth is big and yet small at the same time.
I’ve been watching football, it’s The Eurocup 2008 over here and The Netherlands are really doing great.. I hope they’ll win the cup.
And the weather is nice outside.. we have sun.. and sometimes we have not but it’s nice.
I’m excited for my trip because about a little bit more than 2weeks I’ll leave and I hope that those days will bring something good.
Life is great and I’m happy.

Tien ♥.

So All I Wanted In The End Was World Domination And A Whole Lot Of Money To Spend

So in every heart there’s a broken dream, a shattered cause, a might have been

I wish my recent thoughts were as positive as Tien’s… but I haven’t been feeling all that well lately.

Laying on my bed last night, I thought of the past and how I do not want it to repeat itself. I think over and over of what those certain people in my life have said, and how it’s very similar. They have all planned ahead, they have all believed to be the one… and yet, it has ended so badly.

In an attempt to make myself feel better, I thought “I dont need anyone, after all, my plans are designed only for me and not for two” so with this thought I went to sleep, thinking that if this time, I fail yet again, I would be okay. I would be fine. Simply because I would be alone and away from anyone’s feelings.

Well that’s crap haha. Today I realized the only reason I was having some sort of feminist epiphany was not for the right reasons. It was simply because Im truly scared of getting hurt again. Im self-sabotaging another opportunity of happiness in an effort to keep myself safe from pain. Im trying so hard not to become attached and to see something wrong with today that I might just ruin tomorrow.

Of course, I could take the safe road…to be alone as I planned and keep pushing away anyone who tries to get too near …because damn, after 2 years of mourning I try again, and it ends up just as terribly…But no.

I cant do that. I wont let myself do that. Im braver than that…

I’ve always valued life’s uncertainties and seen its surprises as beautiful.

I’ll take my chances.




First day of my life


…And that’s how I came to be hahaha

Anyway,  Friday was my last day of school. And if everything goes as planned…my last day of “normal” school EVER! Mwaha. It felt weird… I woke up (and Im going to blame it on that time of the month), but I teared up. It’s a strange thought to think you’re going to leave all the teenage stupidity behind, in hopes of surrounding yourself of all the things you truly enjoy…

No more waste of time. And this is why that was the first day of my life. It is the end of excuses and the start of intense. I have to live it now, I have to work as hard as physically possible to get into my dream school next year. To pass the audition…to show them WHY Im better than 200+ russians, canadians and acrobats from all over the world. That circus school is the best in the world, and my ticket to Cirque du Soleil. I have to make it. Of course, Im not giving up on the dream if I dont, but goddamnit I have to get in.

What else!? Everything in the love department is so much clearer now. I have made my decision :)

On another note! Im going to San Francisco this month! So hippies here I come!!! :D



Tragic lovestories with noisy strawberries.

This was probably the most awkward weekend ever!
Okay, Hold on.

Let’s start with thursday.. thursday was fun although it’s not really weekend.
I went to a noise CD-Release party from this guy ”Franz Fjödor.”
I actually knew that guy already, he’s pretty much made of awesome.
So go check out his music… if you’re into noise.
If you’re not.. Go check it out anyway.
I really thought that ”Franz” was really really good live and it was fun to see him in his ‘normal’ way instead of the way I met him :-).
And the DJ’s of that evening really played some fun music aswell, I was happy that could go and that I was able to be there.

Well I saw Nick on friday and he’s such a sweet guy.
I cannot believe that he likes somebody who is like me.
I’m such a big confusion and he deserves so much better.
Nick is a tux-guy, he wears those most of the time.
He studies economics at an university and he’s in his last year now.
Dark hair and hazel eyes, so that was a tiny part about him.
I’m not going to post his picture because I know he wouldn’t like that.
Anyway, I can’t say that I am completely in love with him..
He’s all cute and maybe he is everything a girl would look for in a guy..
But I don’t really think that our personalities really do suit eachother.
I am confused about most of the things in life and and I always have questions, alot of questions I just need to find an answer for.. and I know that he can’t answer most of my questions.. He doesn’t understand them, he’s not much of a philosophy-knowledge guy.. and I am.. I want to know as many things as are possible because every wisdom is a good one to have even if you most likely are never going to do something with it.
I also will leave for a while and I don’t want to leave while knowing that I have a boyfriend right back at home. I just really want to leave completely free, throw my phone away.. not have to worry to check my e-mails and just to walk into the wild, the nature.. my best friends a backpack and me.
And I really really don’t want to hurt Nick, I do care about him.

Well it’s Sunday today, I’ve seen Nick today aswell and it was kind of awkward..
It was REALLY awkward.. my cousin was here too and things weren’t really going oookay.
Mainly because she kind of liked him.. ALOT.. and kept saying how great he is the whole day long..
So we didn’t really had a chance to talk.
I will see him tomorrow too, and we’ll talk..

AND I made a strawberry-cake on saturday..
which was actually really fun to do.
I’ve took some pictures of the cake..
IT’S NOT PERFECT, ALL IS HOME-MADE, the whipped cream, the cake-thing.. just everything.
So it cannot be perfect but it tasted good.
Want to know how it’s made?
Send me an e-mail: and write Tien-Cake as subject I will get back to you ASAP.
Here are pics:

Tien ♥.

Little Black Bird.

Some months ago I found a little black bird in our shed.. somehow it flew in there and was stuck.
One wing was injured.. I think the bird had a rough time with our neighbours cat..
So I gave it food and tried my best to heal that wing..
I thought it was amazing that after a while the bird wasn’t scared of me.
After a little bit more than a week the bird could use his wings properly again and I let it fly away..
Since that day I threw everyday some bread in our yard.. mainly for that bird if it would ever come back..
So I did that same thing today while I was eating breakfast in our yard and one little black bird came and ate the bread…
I threw the bread closer and closer to me, the bird kept comming closer and closer..
The bird wasn’t scared.. almost as it was used to that bread, our yard and used to me..
Once I held the bird in my hands I knew it was the same bird I found in our shed some months ago..
I think it’s pretty cool how animals can get used to people and be their friends..
And if I could choose what animal I’d want to be..
It would definitely be a bird, one free bird..
Spreading my wings and flying to wherever my wings would bring me.
Something we truly can call freedom.

Tien ♥.

Shopping with Christina Aguilera!!

Okay, okay.. I didn’t REALLY went shopping with Christina Aguilera…
BUT.. I do like some of her music.. just HAD to be said.
I know she’s not deathrock or punk or whatever.. but guess what.. I don’t care.
After her song ‘beautiful’ I just really started liking her and I still think that the videoclip of that song is like the best videoclip I’ve ever seen.. it just shows the world how it is nowdays.. people don’t really want to know you if you are a little bit weird, vague, strange, own-stylish.. the video shows transvestites, gays, punks/deathrockers, people that find them self ugly.. I never really believed in a thing called ‘beauty’ because I think every single being is beautiful on their own way and will stay beautiful like that forever, that beauty is endless.. so basically there is no need in making fun of someone.. if you are attracted to that person or if you are not is just your own thing. so, with Christina Aguilera playing on my ipod I went to the mall, I had to buy some food for dinner.. I know VERY interesting.
This is how our mall looks.. it is quite boring though…

So, after dinner.. I made a drawing, because I was pretty bored..
This is what I made.. not too fancy though…

After that.. I decided to go and take more pictures!..
So I’ve did that with a friend.. here they are:
My hometown :-)

The main road..

The church.. don’t mind the clock it is ALWAYS that time on that church..
I took these pictures at 8PM.. People are lazy to fix it.. I guess?..

Just a random street I like..

Some kids playing football/soccer.. whatever? on a field.. and that building is actually the biggest one we have in this town.. =P.

99 Luftballons auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont!
Well… this was just 1.. sooo 98 to go!

I used to play in this garden alot when I was a child :-)
Good times.. I know we made a hut there.. it was actually an illegal area.. because it is the garden from an office.. but I still like the lake, it’s heart shaped.

Some park for dogs

I did took the pic of that bunny.. there were actually three of them first.. but the other two ran away..
I guess that bunnies don’t really like me… :-(

Tien ♥.